Where do we go from here?

I keep asking myself where I want to go from here. The prospects for someone like myself are few and far in-between. More and more I realize how important it is to let people go, especially those who continually hurt you or treat you like you don't matter, and listening to whatever "presence" or "God" you believe in when they are trying to speak through the pain you have been given. You quickly learn who your friends are, or are not, when something bad happens to you. It can be daunting to try and comprehend why on earth people are placed in your life, only to find out they don't belong there after all.

Human beings are able to judge whether or not they will like a person upon meeting them in 10 seconds or less. Our reptilian brain is quite remarkable in that way. However, our reptilian brain tends to throw us under the bus when it comes to making good choices about relationships, and this is something that we should all be aware of. I find myself in similar relationships over and over again, all ending in nearly the same way, and each time I tell myself I will never be with anyone like that again. Whether it is a two month relationship or a four year relationship, each has ended in the same way. Change is difficult, scary, uncomfortable, but for the sake of not being hurt again we all need to consider how we are around certain types of people and how to better gauge what is going to be a healthy decision or a destructive one.

Dig in. The art of digging in and digging deep in times of great struggle is integral to building up your defenses while at the same time healing your heart. That isn't to say that you shouldn't remain open to new experiences and individuals, but it does mean that we have to reevaluate how we protect ourselves, and forces us to choose the people we welcome into our lives more carefully. It is also good to note that it is okay to show your emotions while you work through the pain. Those who matter will help you through it.

If we only get this one life, I want to be with someone who chooses me every time, not just sometimes. I deserve to be with someone who loves me and means it when he says it. I deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, caring, devotion, and above all else I deserve to be loved every moment of every day without question, FAITHFULLY despite whatever obstacles or baggage exist. I should not have to prove to anyone that I am worthy of their time or their love. We are all inherently worthy of love.

It's time to dig in and let go.

The Trees on the Mountain

I am working on a piece from Susannah, The Trees on the Mountain, that speaks to me so loudly that it is almost too difficult to sing. It's like it was written as the anthem for my life and the tears never stop streaming down my face.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vks4LNbIm1I

In essence, the song is a woman begging for her lover to come back even though he has abandoned her and makes her question whether he loved her at all. Her aloneness and sorrow have made her hollow and she simply wishes for no more pain. Everything that was once beautiful and vibrant has turned cold and dark, like it never existed at all. 

"The trees on the mountains are cold and bare
The summer just vanished and left them there
Like a false-hearted lover, just like my own,
Who made me love him, then left me alone."

This song, and so many others like it, have made a home in my soul. They echo in the space that has been torn apart by the carelessness of others. It is a wave of understanding the choice and feeling like I am worth nothing to anyone. Did I ever mean anything at all? To anyone? Does my life actually matter to anyone?And yet I try to forgive them anyway, whether they deserve it, or not.  Perhaps it's futile. 

This piece makes my heart long for home, wherever that is now. 

 Maybe the moral of the story is that I should just be content in and get used to being alone. As a wise woman once told me "no man ever deserves your tears". Then why did I give him my heart?

Don't Make Promises

There is this really weird phenomena happening in my life where people, of all kinds, have made promises, or make promises, and decide that I am not worthy of them. Guess what? No one should be made to feel like they are only important to someone when it's convenient for the other person. Those people do not deserve you in their lives. You should always say to yourself that "my time, my heart, my feelings, and my life are more important than picking up the phone or going out when it is convenient". Yes, life happens, but if you are pouring energy into a friendship or a relationship where you come very close to last or dead last on the list of priorities in someone else's life, maybe you should reconsider why you stick around.

You know, commitment (be it in the form of a promise or a relationship) is a difficult thing for some people because it means staying loyal to that one person, doing what you said you would do no matter what in the very beginning, long after the mood you said it in has left you.  People don't understand that when they break those commitments they also break a very fragile bond; they break trust. When you throw a plate on the floor and it breaks into a million little pieces, even when you say sorry to it, does it go back to the way it was? No! Once that trust and that commitment have been broken there is no going back. It isn't something that you can put a band-aid on.

How do we repair the broken pieces while keeping the person who broke them in our lives? I would like to think that we can both heal and have that person in some capacity in our lives, but perhaps it is a lofty and unrealistic goal. Somehow, if we want these people in our lives, we have to be able to allow ourselves to forgive them in some fashion. However, forgiveness, does not mean that everything is okay.

Let it be known that if you can't forgive someone right now because they let you down, or broke your heart into a thousand pieces, that it is okay. Focus on you. Be willing to heal yourself and ignore the noise. Promises get broken. Commitments are thrown away. If a person can't see that you are worth keeping both of those things, they aren't your person, and you deserve so much more.

Unavoidable Baggage

All relationships come with baggage, some more than others. My relationship came with baggage that couldn't be worked through no matter how hard either of us tried, argued, fought, cried, begged, or loved each other, but we held on for much longer than anyone thought we would. There is a cute meme that floats around the interwebs now and again with a quote that says something to the effect of "Everyone has baggage. Find someone who will help you unpack". What happens when neither of you can get fully unpacked for reasons out of your control?

Here is where the heartache comes in: one of us had to let go and it wasn't me. I may be the fool in this situation. I had hoped that just as every time before, we would work things through, and I was incredibly wrong. As he began to drift away I held on harder, I loved him more, and I poured everything I had into the changing relationship. We ended up in a relationship with two people in two separate places fighting for two totally different things, all while trying to maintain what we considered "normal" life for us. Naturally, when he wanted to move on, I was (and still am) devastated, because I was still in a relationship and he was not. He is going after a different happiness while I am left picking up the pieces with very little help.

There are several things that need to happen in order for us to have healthy relationships. The first is very difficult, and that is if something feels "off", check it out. It is nerve wracking to approach your partner when you feel something is different or "off" and it would be so much easier to do like I did and bury your head in the sand and go on about your day. By opening up an honest and open line of communication you save a lot of time and perhaps unnecessary anxiety. The second is being willing to listen once that line has been opened up, not just hearing what your partner is saying, but actively listening to their needs and desires. Had I known that four months ago my partner needed to shift out of a relationship I would have shifted with him. We didn't talk about it until he found someone else, which is one of the worst times in any person's life to be shocked by someone you thought you trusted with your heart. As you can imagine I am dealing with some very serious emotional and spiritual damage from simply not communicating when there were many opportunities to do so. The third is the most difficult and that is being prepared to be disappointed if something is wrong. Not all relationships, short and long term, are meant to last in the way we want them to. Some people are put into our lives and walk out of them. Sadly, it is our job to pick ourselves up when that happens, and that is an ugly process.

I am trying not to feel like the relationship was all for not, like we were kidding ourselves to be in love with one another, to not color everything with the immense amount of pain that swirls through my body, mind, and heart. It is difficult not to feel worthless when the person you are with chooses someone else and immediately jumps into another relationship, doesn't want to communicate often, doesn't want to see you, when it seems like just yesterday he was bringing you flowers and coffee table books by your favorite artist, or sweeping you off of your feet with a single kiss hello. It is difficult to feel like someone else stole your life and your love and now you are left with more questions than answers. All I can offer is that I hope someday to be able to look back and remember with tears of joy, not the pain I was given in return for my love, but the love I once felt was real. 

Trust. Communicate. Be brave. 

It's just a flesh wound.

I cannot begin to tell you, dear reader, how many people have waltzed in and out of my life over the last four years. I built a beautiful life, a happy home, and at the end of the day it was not enough. I was not enough. So, here we are at both a soul crushing end and a terrifying beginning, simultaneously. What I hope to accomplish through writing here is a guide to self discovery, self reliance, and learning how to let go of people, and things, that have walked out of our lives.

Let me tell you something about people: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them every time. There is a saying about actions speaking more loudly than words and I am here to tell you that it is true. What people do to us will always show us, more than words, their truest intentions. That isn't to say that we don't make mistakes now and again. Everyone makes mistakes. But when someone continually doesn't choose you over someone or something else, believe them, because they are trying to send you a message.

The saddest truth about me is that I find that when people walk out of my life intentionally they don’t get to walk back in, not because I don’t want them to per say, but because they have violated an already fragile person; a person who found it incredibly difficult to trust them in the first place and they just confirmed that they could not be trusted after all. This is a natural reaction for most people and one we need to work on. Be it two weeks or ten years, this goes for friendships and relationships alike. I believe in second, third and fourth chances but I am not a font of forgiveness. There simply comes a time when we have been hurt so much that our fragility becomes too much to bear, and we crack beneath the pressure of not being good enough, or smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough for another person that we must let go. We must let go if for no other reason than the hurt is just too heavy to carry anymore.

Where do we begin? How do we begin? Will we ever stop hurting once we have let these relationships go? The answer is yes, slowly.